I'm Barely Holdin' On to You
by jaydream
Summary: *Sometimes you don't learn from someone else's mistake. By then it's already too late for you...* Warning: CharacterDeath McNozzo


**My first NCIS fic/oneshot. My first oneshot songfic in oh gosh, a long time. Drangst because of the song and I'm just feeling in a down mood today.**

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**Title: **_I'm Barely Holdin' On to You_

**Summary: **_Sometimes you don't learn from someone else's mistake. By then it's already too late for you._**Rating: **_T for character death_

**Genre: **_Drama/Angst/Romance_

**Characters: **_Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo, Ziva David, and Timothy "Tim" McGee  
_

**Pairs: **_McNozzo_

**Song: **_Broken_ by _LifeHouse_

**Note: **_Character death and slash I warn you again and now._

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Anthony DiNozzo laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. He ignored the rain falling outside, hitting the windowpane with steady patters. He ignored everything that was going around him. The only thing he thought of was how miserable the past two days have been. How sunken he'd become. How far he fell, how fast it had happened, and with no warning at all. How he suddenly was all alone. Even if everyone else told him he wasn't. He was. Alone.

Tony was thankful that there was no other sound in the lonely apartment. Just the sound of rain. Which was if anything fitting for him. At present, at past, at most...at all. There was nothing else he needed to hear other than rain. And himself. Crying. Endlessly. Like he had for the past two days over the loss not only he, but the team suffered. It had just hit him all the more. It hurt him far more than anybody else. Because to lose someone you love is a devastation you cannot forget. No matter how much you want to or how many times they tell you that in time it will pass. Tony knew that in time his heart would heal, but just how long it took was enough to make the agony drive him insane.

There was nothing in the world that would make him feel whole again. He'd lost the one person he loved. Tim McGee was gone. From his life, from the work, from everything Tony ever once knew. Gone. Forever. There was no bringing him back. No seeing him everyday again. No glorious nights of love. No more morning after. No more sneaking kisses behind Gibbs' back. Nothing. It was all gone. Stripped right out from under Tony's feet with no warning.

He was still falling.

_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time  
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_

Ziva David had called him that night. Forcing himself up off the bed, he went out in the rain that seemed to mock his every emotion and movement to his car. The drive seemed much longer than it used to be. It seemed like an eternity before he pulled up parallel to Ziva's car and walked across the street to the apartment. It was funny, he never really understood why they hadn't lived together yet. It was something he now knew that he would never be able to find out.

Tony didn't say anything to Ziva. Ziva didn't need to say anything to him. Not there was anything much to say at all. What else could be done?

The climb up the stairs seemed like forever. Tony's legs felt like lead, forcing his feet to go up each step. Step after step up towards the one place he never wanted to walk into again. Yet he knew that he needed this. He wasn't sure why.

He paused at the door just staring down at the door handle, his hand lingering towards it. Ziva stood next to him and looked on. She put a reassuring hand on his back.

"You don't have to do this, Tony. You can take as much time as you need."

Tony swallowed and shook his head. "I need this," he slowly smiled and almost let out a half laugh. "Probie would want me to, Ziv."

Ziva smiled, so relieved to hear Tony mention his lover by his nickname. She knew that it was a sign of the road to his healing. Just as Gibbs said he would go on.

Twisting the doorhandle, Tony opened the door and stepped inside taking a huge breath. He flipped on a light and looked around. Everything was still the same as it always had been. The bed, the enormous bookshelves, the desk...everything. Right where it should be. There was only one thing missing. At this, Tony felt his heart ache again, but he didn't stop himself from walking around.

He ran his fingers over the desk, smiling. He proceeded to the bedroom, not noticing Ziva watching his every move. He walked to the bed ran his fingers over that, then looked up at the closet and nearly let his tears fall.

Maintaining composure, Tony walked over to the closet and opened it, all of Tim's many shirts, pants, ties, and blazers hanging up as if just waiting for him. He brushed his hands across them taking in the scent of his lover that still lingered on them. His hand stopped at the one shirt that did not match the rest of Tim's wardrobe. That damned hawaiin shirt they'd made him wear for that one case. Tony smiled and giggled through tears, remembering that Tim had said he would never be caught dead in one. And yet, he'd kept it.

Taking it off the hanger, Tony held it in his hands and looked at it through tears. He smiled and giggled again, shaking his head. "Oh Probie. You silly...silly boy."

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain there is healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on,  
I'm holdin' on,  
I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you_

Ziva watched Tony closely as if he would need a arm or a shoulder or anything. Tony walked out of the bedroom, shirt in hand and looked back around heaving a heavy sigh.

"Anything you want. It's yours."

Tony nodded. "I know. I just don't know how much I _want_ to take. What will hurt the most and what won't."

Ziva put a hand on his arm. "Whatever you think you can handle. Tim wouldn't want you to overload it, but take what means most to you. Whatever meant the most to both of you."

Looking over at the desk and shelves, Tony nearly smirked. "I think I'll need a truck for that, Ziva." He walked over to the desk and sat down, leaning over it. He opened the drawers, finding all of Tim's little side notes, papers, pens, a little bit of everything. He picked up a book that looked very much like a journal and looked as a envelope dropped onto his lap.

Setting the book aside, Tony picked up the sealed envelope and looked at the front. In Tim's very solid handwriting was his name on that envelope. Swallowing hard, Tony turned it around and opened the back slowly and carefully.

_The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead_

Taking out a folded piece of paper, Tony felt his heart hammer. He didn't want to read it, but all at once...he needed to. He felt the need and want to. So he did.

Leaning back in the chair, Tony unfolded the paper. Once again, Tim's handwriting met his eyes and he nearly choked back a sob in his throat. Sustaining whatever was left in him, Tony turned towards Ziva and very chokingly read aloud.

"'Words to me can't say exactly how I feel about all this. About you. About me. It's just kind of a good blur. The kind that you can't remember exactly how it all happened, but it did and you're glad that it happened to you.

I know how nosy you can be, so I stuck this in the one place I knew you would probably find it. I'm hoping that you won't read this for a couple of years," Tony bit his lip. How soon this had happened came flooding back into his mind. He swallowed and kept reading, "'but in the case that you get this sooner than we ever hoped, I want you to know a few things.

First, that I love you. All those years of working together and now this. Not to say that I didn't always love you. You just never knew it. But I do. And I know it's 'McGeeky' of me to say, but I love you a lot. With whatever I have inside me and I want you to know it. I hope that you do know it. There's nothing else in the world for me to love more than my job than you, Tony. That's all you need to know. The rest...will just happen for us.'"

Tony smirked at how ridiculously Tim it did sound. Biting his finger, he braved it up to read more. "'Secondly if anything were to happen to me and I left things behind that whatever you want, I want you to have it. More specifically, I would love it if you would take my desk and my books. I know that you would be the most likely person to take care of them second to Abby. If you don't, I will be sure that Abby does get them. If you do, well, you'll always have some peice of me.'" Tony wanted nothing more than to take them. He already had the perfect place for them.

"'Lastly...don't dwell on what happened. There's nothing more that I hate than for you to spend the rest of your life unhappy. Do whatever you want with your personal life, having a new relationship with someone else or not, but please for my sake don't dwell too long or too hard on my being gone. Don't lose that peice of Tony that I love. I'll always be there. I will ALWAYS be your Probie.'" Tony bit his lip, tears running down his face freely now. Ziva leaned against the desk, arms crossed just watching him for the time being. Swallowing, Tony choked out, "'I love you, Tony. Don't forget it. Love, Tim.'"

Silence went between Tony and Ziva for a few minutes before Tony completely broke in sobs. Ziva could do nothing but hold him.

_And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes  
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life  
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain is the healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')  
I'm barely holdin' on to you_

Within the next day, Tony had Tim's stuff in his apartment, his position was refilled at NCIS and he went through each day wondering what they could have had. He didn't dwell hard, but it was hard to get up everyday, knowing that it was someone _other_ than Tim McGee that would be sitting next to him. That there was no Tim to wake up next to every morning. That there was nothing he could do to make Tim come back. That all his days would resume empty as if he was still there. As if nothing had happened to change his life drastically. It was as if nobody noticed his pain. Although that was a lie. Abby felt as much pain over losing Tim as he did. His mind just took it the hardest.

_I'm hangin' on another day  
Just to see what you will throw my way_

Tony lived by most of Tim's personal rules just as much as his own or Gibbs' rules. He remembered each rule specifically. He remembered every tone and word Tim would say to him. Throw teasing lines, toss mock insults...everything. But the number one thing that Tony remembered most of all and hung onto more than anything else was Tim's everlasting, encouraging "We'll be okay".

It was the one thing Tony believed more than anything else.

_And I'm hangin' on to the words you say  
You said that I will, will be ok_

Midnight. Early Saturday morning. Tony laid on the bed looking up at the ceiling. After a few moments, he got up and stood in front of the window. It was raining again, but not extremely hard. He stared out at the streets below him, arms folded across his chest. His radio was on playing music softly. He realized there was nothing more in the world he wanted than Tim behind him, arms around his chest, chin on his shoulder. By then he would probably be asking what he was thinking about and why. And if Tony said "nothing", Tim would just smile and kiss his cheek, begging him to come back to bed. Tony would comply and from there, it would be bliss.

That's how it would be. How it should be. And even though it would never be like that again...it didn't mean that Tony didn't dream about it. In the end...that's all that helped him get through each day. The dream that once was reality now fallen. As long as he could keep the dream alive, that's all he needed to get by.

Just a simple. Loving. Dream.

_The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone  
I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home  
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain, there is healing  
In your name, I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')  
I'm barely holdin' on to you  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),  
I'm barely holdin' on to you_

**End**

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**Jay**


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